I first wrote this in September and never published it. Just looked at it again and decided to publish it.
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Six months.
I didn't know how grief would unfold. I never imagined myself in this place.
It is lonely. And it gets lonelier. Not because others haven't been kind, or attentive. But because each day is another day without her. The space created by time makes it more painful. I don't want to be more distant from her; I want to be closer. Each day is a reminder of what I've/we've lost. There is no "better off," or replacement. And there never will be. We simply have to learn how to live without her.
Our culture doesn't do well talking about grief or showing grief. We have pre-set norms, we're worried about appearing dysfunctional. We don't want to be clingy or needy in a way that makes others uncomfortable. For me, I turn inward with my grief. I allow conversations to happen, or not, with close friends that don't mention my despair. I want to be asked, but I don't bring it up when I'm not. We steer away from what might be painful in the midst of how our normal day-to-day lives are going. I wish I could be more open.
Suddenly I find myself in an elite group, those of us who have lost our mothers far too young. We didn't get to watch our mothers grow old. They didn't get to watch our children grow up. In fact, in my social group, I feel somewhat alone. You can't imagine losing your mothers, least not in a sudden and premature way; I hope you don't ever have to. I certainly remember when I was on the outside of this group.
Other realizations and contradictions of how I imagined grief prior to experiencing it:
How I can feel so grief-stricken, yet energized and delighted by my children. How my husband can still make me laugh. How my dad gives me hope for Family.
How most nights I cry myself to sleep. It is the one quiet time of the day, which floods me with emotions.
It is normal for others to not understand. I wouldn't have understood prior to going through this.
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And, since September, I have met others who understand. In Gareth's co-op (a mother lost her father earlier this year, another mother lost her mom 5 years ago), and at the Memorial that the Seattle Cancer Center put on (a woman I had known through a previous work connection was there remembering her mother who died after a 3-month battle with skin cancer).
